People In Grey Cars
If I’ve just gone round a roundabout or set off from some traffic lights and you’re directly behind me, then there’s a chance that I might not be driving slowly, but in fact, accelerating slowly. So instead of feeling around with your front bumper to see if my car’s equipped with a tow-bar, back off just a touch and stop rolling your eyes and leaning on the inside of your car door whilst rubbing your forehead.
Problem is, I don’t drive a Mercedes Bigprick, or whatever you’re in. It takes me a while to get up to the speed limit. You can’t buffet me along with on a cushion of air in front of your car. I can only accelerate so quickly. Normally this isn’t a problem as if you’re driving at any speed there are ordinarily a couple of lanes. Occasionally though, I too need to get past some traffic.
If I’ve been trapped in what you no doubt call the ‘slow lane’ by a fleet of grey cars – and they are always grey, why don’t you guys ever buy blue cars or red cars? Are you worried that all your besuited mates will be all, ‘here he comes in his blue car’ and laugh themselves to even earlier graves? If you think that you’re not offending anyone with a grey car, you are – me.
Anyway, if I’ve been trapped in the ‘slow lane’ as you guys all whistle past, I’m inevitably behind something slow moving, like a tractor or a milk float or your brain. I need to pull out into the ‘fast lane’ in order to overtake. So I wait for a space and then indicate (flashing orange light on the side…doesn’t matter) before changing lanes. Now here’s the problem. I’m only travelling at 40mph and the speed limit’s 60mph. I can either drop down a gear to third – yes, third – and let my engine leap out of the bonnet, or I can floor it in fourth and overtake the tractor over a period of hours. Actually it’s seconds, but you guys don’t seem to have the same appreciation of time as the rest of us.
Here’s where it gets annoying. I’m alongside the tractor now. It’s been approximately two seconds since I left the safe haven of the ‘slow lane’ and the speck on the horizon behind me, is now a vast grey car, driven by a wide-eyed nutcase. He’s probably flashing his lights. It’s going to be another fifteen seconds or so until I reach 60mph, but those fifteen seconds feel like a lifetime. Finally, I’m past. I return to ‘my’ lane and he overtakes, narrowly missing me in his impatience.
The only event that tops this is when I have found myself in the ‘fast lane’ on a dual carriageway with a central reservation and we approach a speed camera. Grey Car Man One, who is in front of me slams on his breaks and passes the speed camera at 60mph or even 50mph. I’ll only say this once – being as I silently scream it whilst imagining stoving someone’s head in with a BMW drivers’ manual on a daily basis – but a dual carriageway with a central reservation is a 70mph limit. Do you know how long it takes me to attain the speed of 70mph? Well you’re going to if you’re Grey Car Man Two.
Grey Car Man One breaks. I break. We crawl through the speed camera as traffic in the other lane undertakes us. Then he roars off leaving me stranded. There’s solid traffic inside me, and Grey Car Man Two is right up behind me and he’s about to use his horn and his lights. Well, he’ll just have to wait.
Problem is, I don’t drive a Mercedes Bigprick, or whatever you’re in. It takes me a while to get up to the speed limit. You can’t buffet me along with on a cushion of air in front of your car. I can only accelerate so quickly. Normally this isn’t a problem as if you’re driving at any speed there are ordinarily a couple of lanes. Occasionally though, I too need to get past some traffic.
If I’ve been trapped in what you no doubt call the ‘slow lane’ by a fleet of grey cars – and they are always grey, why don’t you guys ever buy blue cars or red cars? Are you worried that all your besuited mates will be all, ‘here he comes in his blue car’ and laugh themselves to even earlier graves? If you think that you’re not offending anyone with a grey car, you are – me.
Anyway, if I’ve been trapped in the ‘slow lane’ as you guys all whistle past, I’m inevitably behind something slow moving, like a tractor or a milk float or your brain. I need to pull out into the ‘fast lane’ in order to overtake. So I wait for a space and then indicate (flashing orange light on the side…doesn’t matter) before changing lanes. Now here’s the problem. I’m only travelling at 40mph and the speed limit’s 60mph. I can either drop down a gear to third – yes, third – and let my engine leap out of the bonnet, or I can floor it in fourth and overtake the tractor over a period of hours. Actually it’s seconds, but you guys don’t seem to have the same appreciation of time as the rest of us.
Here’s where it gets annoying. I’m alongside the tractor now. It’s been approximately two seconds since I left the safe haven of the ‘slow lane’ and the speck on the horizon behind me, is now a vast grey car, driven by a wide-eyed nutcase. He’s probably flashing his lights. It’s going to be another fifteen seconds or so until I reach 60mph, but those fifteen seconds feel like a lifetime. Finally, I’m past. I return to ‘my’ lane and he overtakes, narrowly missing me in his impatience.
The only event that tops this is when I have found myself in the ‘fast lane’ on a dual carriageway with a central reservation and we approach a speed camera. Grey Car Man One, who is in front of me slams on his breaks and passes the speed camera at 60mph or even 50mph. I’ll only say this once – being as I silently scream it whilst imagining stoving someone’s head in with a BMW drivers’ manual on a daily basis – but a dual carriageway with a central reservation is a 70mph limit. Do you know how long it takes me to attain the speed of 70mph? Well you’re going to if you’re Grey Car Man Two.
Grey Car Man One breaks. I break. We crawl through the speed camera as traffic in the other lane undertakes us. Then he roars off leaving me stranded. There’s solid traffic inside me, and Grey Car Man Two is right up behind me and he’s about to use his horn and his lights. Well, he’ll just have to wait.
posted by Blue and Brown | 12:33 AM
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