Secret Weather
Every once in a while, someone you know will make an outlandish prediction about the weather. They will say: “It’s going to be 40 degrees on Thursday.” They will state it as a fact.
Bear in mind that this person is talking about the United Kingdom. In modern times the temperature has not reached 40 degrees centigrade once in this country. It’s not always hot weather – this is just an example. Sometimes it’s: “Three feet of snow are going to fall tomorrow”. Or even just: “It’s going to be 20 degrees” during the depths of winter.
To return to the 40 degree prediction, your only possible response is: “No, it isn’t”. Try as you might to remain mute. Their statement is too ludicrous to let slide. They will then respond with the age-old, childhood argument: “Yes, it is”.
At this point, you have a choice to make. Maintain the yes–no style of debate and wear them down or delve for more information with: “Where did you hear that?” Omitting the ‘...tremendous pile of shite’, end to the sentence. They will say: “They said on the weather.”
What weather? What meteorologist worth his weight in toenail clippings predicts 40 degree heat in Britain? With our climate they’re going out on a limb by saying ‘occasional sunny spells’ or ‘mostly showers’. To resolutely prophesise temperatures exceeding that of the human body would be a sackable offence.
On Friday, when you have shivered your way through the hottest day since records began, you will say: “I see it didn’t quite make 40 yesterday.” To which they will answer: “I know. The weatherman got it wrong again.” Hardly surprising really. Is he wrong when he tells you what to say? Is he wrong when he tells you to steal things? Was he wrong when he told you to set fire to the job centre?
Bear in mind that this person is talking about the United Kingdom. In modern times the temperature has not reached 40 degrees centigrade once in this country. It’s not always hot weather – this is just an example. Sometimes it’s: “Three feet of snow are going to fall tomorrow”. Or even just: “It’s going to be 20 degrees” during the depths of winter.
To return to the 40 degree prediction, your only possible response is: “No, it isn’t”. Try as you might to remain mute. Their statement is too ludicrous to let slide. They will then respond with the age-old, childhood argument: “Yes, it is”.
At this point, you have a choice to make. Maintain the yes–no style of debate and wear them down or delve for more information with: “Where did you hear that?” Omitting the ‘...tremendous pile of shite’, end to the sentence. They will say: “They said on the weather.”
What weather? What meteorologist worth his weight in toenail clippings predicts 40 degree heat in Britain? With our climate they’re going out on a limb by saying ‘occasional sunny spells’ or ‘mostly showers’. To resolutely prophesise temperatures exceeding that of the human body would be a sackable offence.
On Friday, when you have shivered your way through the hottest day since records began, you will say: “I see it didn’t quite make 40 yesterday.” To which they will answer: “I know. The weatherman got it wrong again.” Hardly surprising really. Is he wrong when he tells you what to say? Is he wrong when he tells you to steal things? Was he wrong when he told you to set fire to the job centre?
posted by Blue and Brown | 5:06 AM
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