People Who Think They're on Diets

They spend half of their time going on about how good they’ve been and how they’ve only had two-and-a-half points over the whole weekend. They spend the other half of their time eating Caramel Aeros and Double Deckers, saying: “I was good all weekend and only had two-and-a-half points, so I can treat myself”.

You should treat yourself to a walk once in a while, more like. Just when did you last get up from your desk? To go and get some crisps at lunchtime? No – Karen brought you those. You just sat there.

They say: “Fruit, eh? Are you on a diet?” No. I’m not on a diet. I’m just eating fruit. You can do that you know. Just because you think that three bags of crisps and a Mars Bar is a normal meal, doesn’t mean I do. Sorry, I know that you eat lots of fruit over the weekend, even though I’ve never once seen you eat anything other than crisps, chocolate or occasionally, to treat yourself, chips or a bacon butty.

If you want to eat complete shite all the time, feel free. Have the exact same two meals every day of your life – that’s fine. Just don’t go on about how you’ve got fat. When? When you were three? Don’t claim to be on a diet when you clearly aren’t capable or don’t even know how – Coke is not a drink for the weight-conscious. And don’t celebrate when you’ve lost a pound, or at least do it in private if you do. A pound isn’t a lot –especially for you. It’s pure chance that you managed it. You probably ran out of deep-fried suet pastry over the weekend.