Exclamation Marks

The exclamation mark: A mark indicating an exclamation. Multiple exclamation marks: A series of marks indicating mental dullness, insecurity, an irritating personality and perhaps impotence on the part of the writer.

You have to leave yourself room for manoeuvre. If you end every sentence with an exclamation mark regardless of whether it is an exclamation or not, how do you indicate an exclamation? By using upwards of thirty of the bastards – that’s how. Some people’s writing is so exciting that exclamation marks outnumber other characters by three-to-one. Ordinary comments like: ‘I’m tired’ are lifted to new levels of meaning through the repeated use of the exclamation mark. Sometimes I count them to find out how deeply felt this tiredness is. On one occasion, the author had slipped into a coma.

Any publishers or news editors out there in search of the next Graham Greene or George Orwell – you need not read any more. Merely ask those with potential to send you a photograph of their keyboard. If the ‘1’ key is brown and illegible with ancient sweat, this is your writer.

For an amusing hobby, why not change the default keyboard settings on workmates’ computers to those of an unusual nationality and watch as they litter their work with dollar signs or inverted commas.