Faulty Tea

Wow. Look at that: Pictures. Blue and Brown enters the 1990s. There’s no stopping us now. But look a little closer…

At first glance, there is nothing wrong here. It’s the Rhinolast mug, which means it’s my tea. That makes me happy. But what is this? I haven’t drunk any of the tea and already the mug is a third empty. Plus it’s too milky. I hate milky tea. I don’t drink black tea, but overly-milky tea is vile stuff. Warm milk is just too flavoursome. A bit too straight from the teat in a way.

Agh. There’s a sugar in it too. My tea does not have sugar in it. Not even the granules stuck to the wet spoon that you used to make Tommy-Twelve-Sugars’ tea. No sugar at all.

Before you think that I’m overly fussy about tea (heaven forbid), I should make myself clear. My anger is not directed at the tea itself. It is merely a weapon of the true criminal here: The person who asks you how you want your tea and then blatantly ignores you.

I often get asked if I want a cup of tea. I tend to say ‘yes’. I am then asked how I have my tea. I tell them and no, I don’t go into the milk and volume of liquid aspects. I just say: ‘Milk, no sugar.’ Ten minutes later I will get a tea with a sugar in.

I don’t know why this is. I have tried several approaches. I say: ‘Milk, NO sugar.’ I say: ‘JUST milk.’ But all is to no avail. The only sure fire method for getting the brew you want, is to make it yourself and that’s no good.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had conversations with the same people who make me tea every week, where they say: ‘I thought you had sugar.’ No. No, I don’t. I didn’t last week. I didn’t the week before. I never did. The only reason that you think I have sugar is because you’ve now made me tea with a sugar in on forty-five consecutive occasions. Why you started doing this, I don’t know. Why you can’t hear me when we have this EXACT SAME conversation every week is beyond me. Don’t you dare say I’m ‘sweet enough’. Don’t you dare. I will run you through with a teaspoon, you extra-sugar-adding piece of shit.