Corporate VIPs
The amount of times I have asked someone: “Who’s that”, only to get the response: “You don’t know who that is? He’s only your Chief Executive”, or something similar. Why should I know that’s who he is? He’s not on telly or anything.
These people come to visit occasionally and for some reason they can’t see us working properly. Rather we have to impersonate mannequins representing ourselves doing our jobs. It is very important that we not do anything, but look far more like we are doing something than if we were actually doing it. Are you following this?
If I were working, there would be work paraphernalia around where I work. If we have a visitor, the sight of the tools of industry would cause their eyes to combust, so I have to keep them tucked away in drawers. As a result of this, I can’t actually do anything, but that’s okay, because my primary focus when fielding a guest is to be totally in awe of them for their ability to drive a grey car and to create empty slogans with which to aurally beat their workers.
I should probably try and engage the dignitary in conversation (albeit briefly) utilising part of the company motto: “So, how are we doing in terms of new geographies?” ‘New geographies’ is quite genuine, by the way – studying the Earth’s surface is passé. We’re going to revolutionise it in some unspecified way.
So our leader is given a guided tour of the building during which they will have the impression that everyone is happy and everything is fine. No matter that most of the staff are bitter because the apparent ‘belt-tightening’ that pertained to salaries did not apply to the purchase of hundreds of luminous pink chairs to match the branding. Far better to spend a fortune on surface gloss to give the appearance of a happy successful workplace than to spend the same amount of money on creating a genuinely happy and successful workplace.
What I hate most is the blind assumption that you will want to impress this visitor. What are the consequences? Will our great leader not speak to me any more? Will I not get a promotion? These things will never happen anyway. Will the efficiency of the company be damaged? It will if I spend all my time polishing monitors and hiding coffee mugs rather than working. And what do I care if productivity is damaged? I might miss out on the e-mail from further up the hierarchy saying: “Well done everyone” at the end of the year. As rewards go, it’s right up there with the death of a beloved pet.
These people come to visit occasionally and for some reason they can’t see us working properly. Rather we have to impersonate mannequins representing ourselves doing our jobs. It is very important that we not do anything, but look far more like we are doing something than if we were actually doing it. Are you following this?
If I were working, there would be work paraphernalia around where I work. If we have a visitor, the sight of the tools of industry would cause their eyes to combust, so I have to keep them tucked away in drawers. As a result of this, I can’t actually do anything, but that’s okay, because my primary focus when fielding a guest is to be totally in awe of them for their ability to drive a grey car and to create empty slogans with which to aurally beat their workers.
I should probably try and engage the dignitary in conversation (albeit briefly) utilising part of the company motto: “So, how are we doing in terms of new geographies?” ‘New geographies’ is quite genuine, by the way – studying the Earth’s surface is passé. We’re going to revolutionise it in some unspecified way.
So our leader is given a guided tour of the building during which they will have the impression that everyone is happy and everything is fine. No matter that most of the staff are bitter because the apparent ‘belt-tightening’ that pertained to salaries did not apply to the purchase of hundreds of luminous pink chairs to match the branding. Far better to spend a fortune on surface gloss to give the appearance of a happy successful workplace than to spend the same amount of money on creating a genuinely happy and successful workplace.
What I hate most is the blind assumption that you will want to impress this visitor. What are the consequences? Will our great leader not speak to me any more? Will I not get a promotion? These things will never happen anyway. Will the efficiency of the company be damaged? It will if I spend all my time polishing monitors and hiding coffee mugs rather than working. And what do I care if productivity is damaged? I might miss out on the e-mail from further up the hierarchy saying: “Well done everyone” at the end of the year. As rewards go, it’s right up there with the death of a beloved pet.
posted by Blue and Brown | 10:46 AM
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