Helpdesks

Any helpdesk. Any helpdesk at all. They’re all as equally shite as each other. Not helpdesks that have been moved abroad – if anything they’re better, because at least the staff aren’t complete morons. All helpdesks. Every last one.

You phone. You’re in a queue. Nothing’s getting done. You’re getting charged for the privilege. One day someone will answer. This helpdesk operator will be responsible for fielding such a wide range of queries that they aren’t even a Jack of all trades, they aspire to being a Jack of any trade whatsoever. They are an incompetent of all trades and they’re just about to prove it to you.

Any query remotely out of the helpdesk operator’s sphere of familiarity will be perplexing. They’ll put you through to someone totally inappropriate who, in turn, will put you back to the start of the helpdesk queue.

Every helpdesk operator has to put up with a million people as annoyed as you every single day. As a result, they’re sick of taking shit off people and are incredibly short-tempered and unhelpful. These are not the kind of staff that you would like on a helpdesk.

Finally, on about the second or third attempt, you will get through to a helpdesk operator who has withstood the pressures of the job for more than a month and they will solve your problem, reimbursing you the £5 that you are owed or whatever. It will have cost you £10 to get this done.

In future, you vow never to try and reclaim such sums of money as it ends up costing you. The business served by the helpdesk can therefore routinely overcharge you, safe in the knowledge that they’re immune to your complaints.

You could tell a newspaper how laughably shit the company are, but there’s so much competition in this field. Nope. There’s only one solution and it’s clearly a dirty protest round at head office. The dirty protest is much underutilised these days.