Pop/rock stars telling us about how meaningless modern life is

We know. We know because we have to live that life. We know that people aren't meant to spend their time working in cubicles because we get 40 hours a week in which to think about it. We know that we're just slaving away to earn money. Of course we are. We have to get the money to buy your records somehow.

If you're going to muse about how miserable modern life is, at least have the decency to lead as miserable an existence as the rest of us. Otherwise it just comes off as boasting.

Skinny kids who are really tentative at eating

Who takes a bite out of a crisp? Eat the thing. It's not that big. Stupid scared-looking skinny bastards thinking about where to bite into a sandwich next; picking at it and staring at it intently. Eat it!

Some people look like they've never eaten before in their lives. You have to do it every day, you retards. You're biting into a burger. You're actually eating an animal's flesh. Put your fucking back into it. Show some gusto. Show some intent. You don't have to bite off so much that you choke. Just look like you're enjoying yourself. Just look like you're hungry, at least. You are, aren't you?

We should just rip food out of tentative people's hands, knock them to the floor and then devour whatever it was they were toying with, while pinning them down with a foot to their throat. That's how you eat. That's how you have to eat or you'll die out.

Bush isn't like that - I just couldn't find a suitable photo.

Everyone having loads of money

Is it just me or is everyone minted these days? Maybe it's because I have less money than I used to.

"Andrew and Jemima have a budget of £400,000".

Why? Where did they get it from? They're only thirty? What have they been doing with their lives?

"Unfortunately, Andrew and Jemima have gone £80,000 over budget".

How? What the fuck's a budget if you can go over it by that much? £80,000 is a staggering amount of money. You can't 'find' £80,000. The only way you can get £80,000 is by killing your wife or husband and duping Columbo, yet they're both standing there, so they can't have done that.

But everyone's like that these days. Everyone's swanning around going: 'Oh. It was only a hundred quid'. A hundred quid's loads. Did I miss something? When did a hundred quid become not much? The danger is that all these people for whom a hundred quid's nothing will start paying that much for a drink in the pub. Then where will we be? We'll be sat in the gutter smoking crack - that's where. Or we would be if we could afford crack. All the money-people will be dropping wads of cash for us crack addicts and it'll drive the price up. Bastards.

The problem is to do with percentages. Let's say I earn a pound a day and Mr Fin-Haircut earns a hundred pounds a day. This is an exaggeration, but you'll get my point. Now we both get a pay rise. Hurray. We each get a 10% pay rise. Now I earn £1.10 a day and Mr Fin-Haircut earns £110.

Let's say the same happens again. Now I earn £1.21 a day and Mr Fin-Haircut earns £121. And again. Me: £1.33. Mr Fin-Haircut: £133. In the course of a year, I've gone from earning £260 to £345.80. Not bad - an extra £85.80. Mr Fin-Haircut, however, now earns £8,580 more than he did before. More importantly, he used to earn £25,740 more than me and now he earns £34,234.20 more than me and the average wage has gone from about £13,000 to £17,000 and I've slipped further and further behind. It carries on like that until I die surrounded by rats and he dies surrounded by gold-digging hangers-on.

Basically everyone's earning more and more and more and I'm pissed off about it because I lost my job. Okay? Fine? I'll feel a bit better once I publish this, even if the previous two paragraphs are competely wank. The rich are getting richer. The end.