Blue and Brown's Page of Rage

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Monday, February 27, 2006

Tying shoelaces


Let's be honest. I tie my shoelaces like a child - like a child with below par motor skills.

When I was a kid nobody showed me how to tie my shoelaces until Matt. Matt was in my year at school and had only just mastered the art himself. The demonstration I received was a ham-fisted rendering, but this is my template. This is what I aspire to. If I tie my shoelaces to the best of my abilities, then it's as good as Matt when he was five. Matt probably got better, but I can never attain such heights being limited by a sub-standard 'ultimate'.

The other day I went to buy some running shoes. I listened intently to all the talk of shoe engineering and joined in gamely. I convinced the assistant that I was a proper runner and a serious athlete. We eventually established the correct shoe for my running style.

Then I had to try them on.

He watched.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Sandwiches that think that they're better than they really are


For those of you who are starting to think I'm a sandwich fetishist - you're right.

I want the maximum quantity of food for the minimum financial outlay, as I have previously explained. I want cow and spud sandwiches or somesuch. I don't want crab and avocado with balsamic vinaigrette.

Note to sandwich marketing people: Not all posh fillings go together. Sun-dried tomatoes and organic honey are uneasy bedfellows for example. At least pretend to put some thought into your 'luxury' combinations.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Handbags and Gladrags by The Sterephonics


This is the kind of abject shit I started writing this page for. It's not current, but I've just heard it and it's no less annoying the millionth time you hear it.

Who does it appeal to? What is it trying to do? Just what is it trying to achieve?

It's just miserable. It's virtually identical to the Rod Stewart version too. Why did they cover it? Why didn't they just re-release Rod's version and put their stupid, FHM faces on the cover? Just WHAT were they trying to do? Sorry to keep asking that, but I'm driven crazy by incomprehension. Did they literally have nothing else to do? Could they not have just gone and sat in a park and punched themselves in the face for a while?

So many questions, so little point having answers. We should make their lives as miserable as possible so that they ask 'why all the misery?' instead of us. First I'm going to steal all of their pillows from the tour bus. Take that Stereophonics. Try boring me senseless with really bad cricks in your necks.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

People who don't read


Not people who can't read, you understand. You know where you are with them. No. People who choose not to read. Here is a recent e-mail conversation I had with someone. For argument's sake we'll call him Mike (because that's his name).

Him: You still owe your subscription for this year.

Me: I will write a cheque and leave it behind the bar.

Him (a month later): You still owe for your subscription. It is now a month overdue.

Me: I left a cheque behind the bar. Did you not get it?

Him: Great. Thanks a lot.

Him (another month later): Your subscription is still overdue. It is now two months late.

Me: It is behind the bar. Incidentally, I think that you have incorrect contact information for me. Here is my address and phone number...(and I include this information).

Him: My records show that you have still not paid your subscription for this year. I have tried phoning you, but I think it's the wrong number. Do we have the right contact information for you?

This conversation climaxed with him essentially calling me a liar. How he would know that I was lying when he clearly hadn't read a single thing that I had written is beyond me. Either that or he has some problem transferring information from short-term memory to long-term memory. Mostly it's just a problem with him being a tosser though.